I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
