Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
