What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You made out with two different species that night
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Randomize
