I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
