im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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