Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
