I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
