mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
