i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
