Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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