tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
