too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
