You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
