i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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