What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
