I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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