I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
