My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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