He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
