I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
