i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
