he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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