Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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