And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
