She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
