It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
