My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
