No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
