Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
