i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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