would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
