Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
