Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
