At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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