Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
