Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
