So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
