The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
