yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
