I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
