Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
