My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
