tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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