they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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