I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
