Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
