Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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