Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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