So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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