Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
